THE BIKE THIEF Chapter 2: The Bike Thief Strikes Back

If you haven’t already, be sure to read Chapter 1 of our saga: http://www.thechainlink.org/forum/topics/the-bike-thief-chapter-1-its


Now then.  Before we go any further, I suppose I should fill an important omission, one critical to our story and which may offer a reasonable explanation of my bold behavior to anyone who has ever laid eyes upon me.


My many years of living in the ghetto have left their mark in the form of a general distrust involving a constant reckoning of danger, the sizing up of each and every passerby and, most importantly to our story, a hands-on manner of dealing with crime which requires being properly armed.


Through my exhaustive testing process I have determined that Guard Alaska brand bear repellent is a highly effective pepper spray product, reliable, and good for groups of up to and including six attackers.  (Look for the label with the peaceable Grizzly bear.)  I rarely leave home without it.

So, gentle reader, I admit only now that I had readied the canister immediately after phoning the police, popped the safety before giving chase and had held the weapon with both hands, at arms length and pointed directly at the face of the Bike Thief throughout the entirety of my shouted instructions.


In light of this information, my actions may appear more sane to you.  However, the reverse could be
said for those of the Bike Thief., who, despite my many warnings continued to defy instructions.  What was going through his mind or what he was fishing for in his pocket I knew not, nor did I desire to find out.

And so, let us return to our last scene:

“TAKE YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR F*CKING POCKET!!!” I screamed.

The Bike Thief took a step closer.  I was surprised but not shocked.  I was steadfast in my resolve. 

I figuratively, and quite literally, opened up a can of whoop-ass on him.

As stated, I have used this product in the past.  Once, I sprayed a burglar at 15’, lightly connecting.  He proceeded to drive down my alley in reverse, slamming into trash barrels as he went.

Another time, I unloaded it on four 15 y/o ghetto punks trying to drag me from my bike.  Again I didn’t get a direct hit, but they all trotted off spitting and sneezing.  I rode home unscathed.

Hell, I even sprayed myself once, inadvertently.  (Although Johnny Knoxville is a childhood hero of mine).  I’d left the safety guard off and elbowed the trigger-- yes drunkenly-- in my very own kitchen.  The short, indirect burst produced about 4 cups of mucus over the next 20 minutes and a new appreciation for weapons safety procedure.

I have, however, never scored such a direct hit as I did that fine spring day.

The cone of the spray is reminiscent of a small fire extinguisher.  It diminishes to a 5’ x 5’ cloud at maybe 20’ from the nozzle.  (You should not wish to be in this cloud.)  The Bike Thief was standing approximately 7’ away and it seemed to me not a drop of the jet made it past his face.


He turned from me, wiping his face, spitting.  Then, angry, he turned and advanced at me AGAIN.


I was surprised but not shocked.  I have carefully learned not to blow my entire wad initially, partly as the effects take a moment to ‘come on’.  Again I blasted him, with an even more direct

hit at a closer range of 5’.  This time it seemed as I must be pumping the stuff directly down his trachea and slowly filling his lungs.


Apparently I was.  The Bike Thief backed off sputtering, coughing and shaking his head violently.  He removed his thick square glasses, now completely opaque with the bright orange residue. He began to moan, cry and wheeze all at once, a horrific sound that would haunt my dreams for the next several evenings.

The Bike Thief began to stagger off and I followed.  My heart pounding, I again dialed 9-1-1.  “I’m… I’m in the 6100 N. Block… of Damen Av.” I said wrongly.  “No.  Wait.  I’m in an alley… I’m parallel to Damen walking south…” vainly attempting to give our location. 

The Bike Thief was now 25’ or so ahead.  In a last ditch attempt to elude capture, he spun on his heels, threw his arms across his face and charged me at full speed, emitting a high, desperate squeal. 

Now I was shocked.  I sidestepped a bit, but he rapidly closed in.  I was holding the cellular in my right hand and the canister in only my less dexterous left.  But I waited for it.  At about 3’ I blasted him a third and final time.  His momentum carried him forward, but at about 3 inches away from me, he could stand no more and aborted his assault. 

It could NOT have been any closer.  The half pound canister was completely drained.  This, coupled with not wanting to leave the unsecured bikes led me to abandon the chase.


“Sir… Are you THERE, Sir?” the dispatcher asked impatiently.  I assured her that, praise be to Allah, I was.  I slowly and calmly relayed the information from my original call along with an update in regards to the BikeThief’s bright orange hue and direction of travel.  She indicated she would pass the information on to the police. “I sure would appreciate that” I stammered, uncertain as to whether I was being sincere or sarcastic.


There had been some blow back of the substance discharging at such close range and my face began to burn a little.  I made mental note of this fact casually, as the adrenaline coursing in my veins would have made bullet wounds seem like flea bites.  I wandered as if in slow motion, back to the bikes scattered in the alley. 

For some reason, I was startled to find the Aldi bag containing the cordless angle grinder, a Ryobi model. 

At the time, his loss of the tool seemed both to add to his punishment and my satisfaction and seemed to make the world a safe place again.  Unfortunately, a brief internet search shows these retailing for a mere $56, or $20 on the black market. 

The bag also contained the remnants the compromised lock, a Kryptonite Evolution 2000 mini
cleanly severed in two places. 

I collected the evidence and the bikes and rode back to the street awaiting the arrival of the proper authorities.

UPDATE-- Chapter 3

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Mark Kenseth on May 14, 2010 at 6:32am
please tell me there's a part 3!
Permalink Reply by Doug Haynes on May 14, 2010 at 6:41am
You're right, he totally should have just let the guy attack him with whatever he had in his pocket; that would have been a much better idea.

Of course none of this ever would have happened if it TC wasn't a total jerk and all concerned with somebody not getting their bike stolen...

mike w. said:
Good point, but imagine the hassle explaining all that to a police officer on how the perp got stiffed, legal fees, and not to mention the guy's next-of-kin coming out of the woodwork looking to cash in on wrongful death suits.

Todd Allen said:
TC didn't spray him for attempting to flee. He sprayed because he was being charged. At that point it is self defense. I'd expect that to greatly lessen the risk of any criminal charges or conviction.

And this wasn't intended to be vigilante justice, the cops had been called.

mike w. said:
i don't feel very sorry for the thief, but i'm guessing TC is lucky that the guy didn't have asthma. An attack could've been fatal. i for one would hate to do time for offing a crook...
About the only real problem with administering greaser justice (as we used to call it back in the day...) is that it often makes the thief sneakier and meaner rather than reformed.
Ryan said:
The only thing more amazing than this story would be if Mr. T.C. O'Rourke had been wielding dual bear pepper spray bottles. One for each eye.

Question: Can the stuff cause permanent damage? I hope so.
Permalink Reply by John Greenfield on May 14, 2010 at 11:49am
Damn it T.C., you left us hanging again!

Is the Bike Thief going to be apprehended or not?

John Greenfield
Permalink Reply by mike w. on May 14, 2010 at 3:54pm
i'm not bustin' chops for TC taking a thief down, that was well done -although there was a considerable bit of risk and luck involved. It's just a quirk of mine to consider consequences. The whole thing could've gone the other way, or worse: the cops might have busted the wrong person, etc... Speaking for my asthmatic self, the mace would probably have killed me- but then again i'm not about to be cutting someone's lock.

And i still have to ask, is a bike worth a life? i think most of us would enjoy seeing a bike thief get a come-uppance, but i know i'd bail right quick if things started to look terminal. Life's cheap enough on the street, but to me it's worth more than a bike.

notoriousDUG said:
You're right, he totally should have just let the guy attack him with whatever he had in his pocket; that would have been a much better idea.

Of course none of this ever would have happened if it TC wasn't a total jerk and all concerned with somebody not getting their bike stolen...

mike w. said:
Good point, but imagine the hassle explaining all that to a police officer on how the perp got stiffed, legal fees, and not to mention the guy's next-of-kin coming out of the woodwork looking to cash in on wrongful death suits.

Todd Allen said:
TC didn't spray him for attempting to flee. He sprayed because he was being charged. At that point it is self defense. I'd expect that to greatly lessen the risk of any criminal charges or conviction.

And this wasn't intended to be vigilante justice, the cops had been called.

mike w. said:
i don't feel very sorry for the thief, but i'm guessing TC is lucky that the guy didn't have asthma. An attack could've been fatal. i for one would hate to do time for offing a crook...
About the only real problem with administering greaser justice (as we used to call it back in the day...) is that it often makes the thief sneakier and meaner rather than reformed.
Ryan said:
The only thing more amazing than this story would be if Mr. T.C. O'Rourke had been wielding dual bear pepper spray bottles. One for each eye.

Question: Can the stuff cause permanent damage? I hope so.
Permalink Reply by Todd Allen on May 14, 2010 at 4:19pm
Mike, you still don't understand. The guy didn't get sprayed because he stole a bike. He got sprayed because he charged.

So the answer is clearly the bike is not worth the dirtbag's life, but TC's life clearly is worth risking the other guy's life with a defense weapon that the police themselves also happen to use on non-violent protestors.
Permalink Reply by Doug Haynes on May 14, 2010 at 5:31pm
This is pretty much what I have would have said.

TC did the right thing and ended up in a situation where he really did not have a choice of what to do because he had no idea what the guy had in his pocket; turning to run if a guy has a strap is never the best choice because it's only going to get you back shot.

Todd Allen said:
Mike, you still don't understand. The guy didn't get sprayed because he stole a bike. He got sprayed because he charged.

So the answer is clearly the bike is not worth the dirtbag's life, but TC's life clearly is worth risking the other guy's life with a defense weapon that the police themselves also happen to use on non-violent protestors.
Permalink Reply by mike w. on May 15, 2010 at 3:26am
Understood. The idea that a bike jacker could be packing heat gives one pause... More likely, the guy had a shiv, which close up and personal is even nastier. Most gunpunks couldn't hit the broadside of a bus on a windless day.

Kudos for stopping a thief, and a big "whew!" that TC seems to have got out unscathed. i just think that he was more lucky than anything that the outcome was thus. It's better to be lucky than good.

Peace. Out.



notoriousDUG said:
This is pretty much what I have would have said.

TC did the right thing and ended up in a situation where he really did not have a choice of what to do because he had no idea what the guy had in his pocket; turning to run if a guy has a strap is never the best choice because it's only going to get you back shot.

Todd Allen said:
Mike, you still don't understand. The guy didn't get sprayed because he stole a bike. He got sprayed because he charged.

So the answer is clearly the bike is not worth the dirtbag's life, but TC's life clearly is worth risking the other guy's life with a defense weapon that the police themselves also happen to use on non-violent protestors.
Permalink Reply by Anne Alt on May 17, 2010 at 1:24pm
Todd raises some good points.

Todd Allen said:
TC didn't spray him for attempting to flee. He sprayed because he was being charged. At that point it is self defense. I'd expect that to greatly lessen the risk of any criminal charges or conviction.

And this wasn't intended to be vigilante justice, the cops had been called.

mike w. said:
i don't feel very sorry for the thief, but i'm guessing TC is lucky that the guy didn't have asthma. An attack could've been fatal. i for one would hate to do time for offing a crook...
About the only real problem with administering greaser justice (as we used to call it back in the day...) is that it often makes the thief sneakier and meaner rather than reformed.
Ryan said:
The only thing more amazing than this story would be if Mr. T.C. O'Rourke had been wielding dual bear pepper spray bottles. One for each eye.

Question: Can the stuff cause permanent damage? I hope so.
Permalink Reply by jessiejane on May 18, 2010 at 7:00am
Fantastic tale TC, I had no idea you were a writer AND a musician!
Permalink Reply by Juan 2-3 or more mi. on May 20, 2010 at 6:14am
Great story T.C. At one point it sounded a bit pornographic with the restraint you had in not blowing your entire wad.
Permalink Reply by Vilda on May 22, 2010 at 2:50pm
Are you kiddin? Asthma? He's a fuckin crook! Ya know what's better than a crook covered in orange bear repellent? A dead crook covered in orange bear repellent!

P.s. If the guy dies you should go home!
Permalink Reply by Mark Kenseth on May 27, 2010 at 4:07am
any reason why you're reading oregonlive?

H3N3 said:
Who knew there was an Apple fanboi in the extended O'Rourke family . . .

http://www.oregonlive.com/gresham/index.ssf/2010/05/police_witness_...

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