Talking to strangers

I'm laying in bed with my laptop right now, in my old bedroom, in a city where I know few people any more, and no longer have a bike in the garage. I'm perusing the internet out of boredom, looking for things I might do over the next week while I'm here. I'm also looking for a place in ST. Louis wehre I might find Intellegentsia or Metropolis coffee. I came across Velocity Cafe and was looking at their events calendar from the summer when I found this posting:

"...The idea that travel requires courage is a myth; too often we leave our comfort zone only to try and recreate it in a new place. Real bravery comes when opening our hearts and minds to the strangers that we meet along the way. For most Americans, who are taught from an early age "Don't Talk to Strangers" building these relationships requires a great deal of courage..."

That touches on something that I think about more and more- the whole not talking to strangers aspect of our culture. Having grown up visiting family on both coasts, the south, and the midwest, I very much see that the particular blend of both Midwestern and big city cultures makes Chicago a place where, generally speaking, people just aren't that open to strangers and to meeting new friends. And I am probably one of the worst offenders, too. I'm an introvert to the highest degree, as well as a lifelong Midwesterner. And I'm started to think about all I've probably missed out on by being closed off to new people, and the loneliness that it's probably caused me from time to time. I don't know if other people have the same thoughts or feelings.

There are a lot of fellow cyclists around Chicago who I think kind of counter the general keep-to-yourself culture here, and I really like that. It's still hard to strike up a conversations with someone who rolls up alongside me and, for example, tells me that my rear light is hard to see. I usually mumble a self-conscious "Thank you" in the voice of Selma from The Simpsons, or something. But I am working on it, and I appreciate the friendly cyclists out there so much.

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Permalink Reply by Ron on December 27, 2009 at 1:00pm
Try Hello...it works surprisingly well. Some folks will get it, some sadly, won't. Try not being the latter...
Hello by the way.
Permalink Reply by igz on December 28, 2009 at 6:52am
i have had this conversation a million times since i moved to chicago, and a handful of times before i moved here while i was working on the road. and my sentiments do reflect yours.

one of the first things i noted was that people, like someone mentioned, is that there seems to be pre-existing friendship bonds throughout the city, people that have been friends since freshman year, shared boyfriends/girlfriends, worked in the same place, etc. these people travel and hang in packs. i have seen it, and kinda studied it first hand. being alone and trying to get in on a conversation with a pack is intimidating, and often unwelcome. but are we supposed to just sit and wait till someone says 'hey'? it all depends on the situation, depends on the pack, sometimes we are lucky to meet the right pack.

its surprising how difficult is to meet people. it has to do with breaking barriers, breaking ice, letting down guards, and letting go of anxieties. yes, i know it cab be easier said than done, for some, and others are complete extroverts where none of those challenges exist. they are usualy the one to say 'chicago is the shit'. im not one of those people, myself. and i do always wonder how many other cities they have experienced to substantiate that claim.

that being said...chainlink is a home to a pack. Like minded fellows come together, topical intrests intertwine here putting us together into a wonderful group. relationships are further developed once we dig deeper into personalities and other interests, ultimately making friends. most people i consider friends in chicago have come from this avenue. for that, i am very grateful. tho i may have wished we met elsewhere.

oh, and one last thing. HELLO.
Permalink Reply by Jessica on December 28, 2009 at 11:34am
I haven't had any trouble making pleasant conversation, but my hitch up is the 'how do I contact this person if I want to hang out later?' I'm too chicken to ask for a phone number or say 'hey let's meet up later!'

Therefore, I make lots and LOTS of acquaintances, but have no good friends.

But that's what my horse is for. =P
Permalink Reply by chixieonfixie on December 28, 2009 at 3:14pm
The chill of Chicagoans when it comes to making friends is on par with the weather some months; its certainly not the South where people are generally more receptive and less paranoid, not to mention genuinely warmer. As others have mentioned, breaking in with those who are established friends with each other can be incredibly difficult, but who wants to be friends with people who have only had the same four friends since 3rd grade? Its not likely they have the greatest social skills and part of their resistance to any newcomer is they themselves are uneasy outside their tired old social comfort zone.

If you are really looking to make friends join a book, card, knitting or some kind of social club that meets at regular intervals where interaction with each other is fundamental to the group. If you learn a skill in the company of others and you do it well, people will want to become friends with you. You could take an art class or join a regular class at a gym. It is easier to make friends when you are surrounded by others pursuing a common goal. Having a bike opens tons of opportunities to go on group rides regularly and if people see your face more then two or three times they will start to open up to you, but I wouldn't expect it to happen overnight. At all costs get off your bloody laptop and make some human contact face to face. Staying online and away from other humans will only perpetuate your situation.
Permalink Reply by nik was here on December 28, 2009 at 4:51pm
this thread reminds me of how lost i feel at times.

For me, my bike is my companion. my soulmate. I can have it just the way I want, and I know it will never leave me; though possibly be taken. Riding is the one thing I know that I can do and not have to worry about anyone else's support or expectations. It is me and my bike, getting around the world. It is those moments, in between the rest that life throws at us that I feel calm, free. I know that the stresses I left behind will only greet me in new form at my destination. but in between... well that's when I can get away.

I don't know where it stems from, and it has been a love/hate relationship over the years. I can say with supreme confidence that I am an introvert. Never the most popular in school, just 'normal' enough not to be totally ridiculed either. My first year in the boy scouts, we took a week long summer bike trip across Wisconsin. I still blame that leader for truly awakening my addiction. From that moment it was new bike craving induced insomnia until I could drive. First the flatland, then the XC then the jumps, then the fixie, and so on.

I don't know what this has to do with friendship, or the original thread, but this is what I though about after reading it all. I would love to know more people like me. And I understand that's a weird thing to say on this forum. But even between us, I feel while alike, we are all so different.

I talk to people at the occasional stoplight, whether it's happily greeted or received with a confused look. in reality, how much conversation can you have at a quick light.

i agree with Jessica, many acquaintances in life, but few that I call true friends. Not complaining, just how I am. but that's what my bike is for.

... and yes, i still wave, even on wednesdays.
Permalink Reply by Lisa yeah on December 28, 2009 at 5:15pm
Hello, Ron. You're right, and while the average Chicagoan isn't just going to walk up to a stranger on the sidewalk and say "hello" out of the blue, cyclists do all the time, and I love it. I've been biking here for 8 or 9 years now. Maybe I didn't pay much attention to other cyclists before this past year, or maybe there are jsut so many more of us now. This is my first year on chain link and my first year having gone to different events and met new people thorugh the cycling community. It's like finding a whole open, friendly culture without having to travel somewhere else.

Ron said:
Try Hello...it works surprisingly well. Some folks will get it, some sadly, won't. Try not being the latter...
Hello by the way.
Permalink Reply by dan brown on December 29, 2009 at 8:06am
well said Aaron.

My story is very (very) similar.

ride on bro...

Dan

Aaron Bussey said:
I am one of the most extroverted people you could ever meet in your life and my feelings on meeting people in Chicago are the exact opposite. About a year ago I was living here and going through a divorce. I had just moved here within the past year from Detroit so all of my childhood friends were back in the D. I worked out of the house so didn't even have that social network going for me. Needless to say life was grim last winter. Then I started riding - ALOT!@

I had always ridden in Critical Mass with my ex and really enjoyed it; I had biked a ton in Detroit but the culture there was minuscule compared to this fine city. So last February I started riding as much as I could. My first ride consisted of riding up to Evanston to ride in their Critical Mass. The ride consisted of myself and the fine Mr Vic S. We rode down to the Mercury Cafe for the CCM Art Show. There i met the lovely Ms. Hochstadter, Mr Yellow Jello, PJC, JJ, Melissa, among others....and went to the castle for the first time.

The rest is kind of a great story for me personally. After an annoying month recently, similar to what I went through last winter, I have a huge social network that has been supportive, welcoming, friendly, kind, and most importantly there.

I have huge respect for the cycling community here in Chicago. So many wonderful people and the past year has been a stretch that makes me pine for summer since the rides are so much fun.

Here's to next year, bikes, bikers(cyclists) and Chicago - I love ya'll!
Permalink Reply by dan brown on December 29, 2009 at 8:08am
If you are really looking to make friends join a book, card, knitting or some kind of social club that meets at regular intervals where interaction with each other is fundamental to the group. If you learn a skill in the company of others and you do it well, people will want to become friends with you. You could take an art class or join a regular class at a gym. It is easier to make friends when you are surrounded by others pursuing a common goal.









this is exactly why I love hanging out at west town bikes. everyone is so cool.


DB
Permalink Reply by Anne Alt on December 29, 2009 at 9:21am
I agree.

Julie Hochstadter said:
I personally believe it's what you make of it....but I enjoy talking to strangers.
Permalink Reply by Rachel on December 29, 2009 at 12:09pm
Compared to New York where I'm from, Chicagoans are often warm and friendly, including across generations too - if common interests are found, there is no snobbery about hanging out with people not all in the same "age bracket".

I'm outgoing and have run a public speaking club, have read books on meeting people, used to have frequent parties in NY, and have facilitated and moderated and hosted all sorts of activist meetings and events. I think it's all about getting out and finding the group events where people are doing what you enjoy.

Once you find the groups, you'll find there is no way to participate in all - there are too many. Volunteer work is one of the best ways to meet like-minded people. For me, one example was community gardening groups. Then I became a Master Composter, and started volunteering tabling at fairs for Brooklyn Botanic Gardens - essentially hanging out at parties, meeting people while doing outreach for BBG and promoting a good cause.

Supposedly, there is a correlation between good health and having MULTIPLE social circles.

But if you find you have a billion acquaintances and few close friends, then maybe ask someone you like from one of your groups if they'd be interested in joining you on an upcoming event that you have found.

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