THE BIKE THIEF Chapter 1: It’s Always Sunny in Chicago Alleys

I think it’s safe to say that *serious* bike thievery is on the rise. Over a dozen reports of sawed u-locks on the stolen bike register in the last month. Wheels stolen right out from under us pub-crawling. Vigilante groups organized to comb the swap meets.

What should, can and will be done?

Truthfully, I don’t know. But gather around kids and I shall entertain and delight you with a true tale of high adventure and daring-do, featuring violent thugs, vigilante justice, beautiful maidens, keystone cops and courtroom dramas.

And don’t spoil the ending if you’ve heard it >:-(

‘Twas a sunny Sunday in early March, perhaps the first in our unseasonable warmth. I was making my rounds delivering the latest issue of Momentum Magazine, cycling south down Damen Av.

Approaching the 1000 N. block I observed a curious man on the sidewalk, hunched over a bicycle with telltale sparks a-flying. I did not to leap to conclusions, hoping, expecting even, that I should recognize one of the wrenches in the employ of Rapid Transit or some other such bicycle retailer, legitimately disabling a seized lock.

No such luck. The Bike Thief, as I would affectionately come to call him, was using a cordless angle grinder, poorly concealed in a plastic Aldi bag, to slice through u-lock securing a bike to a signpost. It could not have looked shadier if he were standing under a mighty oak.

I coolly passed by but immediately pulled into the next mid-block alley and frantically dialed 9-1-1, giving a detailed perp description, a location and a warning to the authorities make haste. Returning to the street, I tucked behind the row of park cars where I had a visual on the bike thief. I worried he might spy me, but he was head down, hoodie up and all business.

It was perhaps 1pm and with the warm(er) weather, the sidewalk was bustling. Joggers, dog walkers, couples with strollers, hipsters. All passed by the noisy shower of sparks without taking notice, except to cover their non-cell phone ear. The only time I took my eyes off of the thief was to glare at these passersby in disbelief. Hell, even a few cyclists rode by, oblivious (or pretending to be).

Suddenly, the worst. The broken lock clattered to the ground! The bike was free! No constables in sight! Without delay the thief threw a leg over and began to roll off.

There was no time for further considerations; it was only I who stood between justice and heartache.

I quickly closed the gap between us in time to see the thief turn into the alley parallel Damen. I followed as he turned again down the next alley, unaware, slowly tottering along, obviously out of practice. It was the slowest chase since the Juice was loose.

“HIYA DOIN’?!” I exclaimed in a loud, friendly voice as I overtook him. I tucked in tight along side him, nearly rubbing shoulders. Without any further conversation, I braced my foot solidly against the
crown of his fork and gave a good, hard shove.

(I should probably disclose that my electric-assist longtail cargo bike weighs in at roughly 100lbs, was carrying a 100 lbs payload and measures over 7 feet long. It was like launching an attack from an aircraft carrier.)

The Bike Thief began to wobble, then sway, then weave, then swerve violently side to side. The weight of the heavy power-tool hanging from his handlebars was not helping his
situation. He ran upon a thick patch of ice and clipped a trashcan at which point the bike flew out from beneath him and he went sprawling backwards. In short, the takedown could not have gone more perfectly.

I leisurely dismounted my ride and approached the Bike Thief, who was struggling like a turtle on his back. “DON’T GET UP! STAY ON THE GROUND!” I bellowed while standing over him, emulating this one COPS episode. The Bike Thief managed to rise to his feet, a blank look on his face.

I continued with what is perhaps the most concise statement I have ever shouted: “I SAW YOU STEAL THIS BIKE, I’VE CALLED THE POLICE, WE’RE GOING TO WAIT RIGHT HERE FOR THEM!” Not bad considering that my heart was wedged inside my throat.

Of course there were the matters of *how* the police were going to find us, or what we find to might talk about in the interim, but these would quickly become irrelevant. As the Bike Thief half-circled round me, it became apparent he was mulling over his options and leaving his easily-earned new bike was looking low on the list.

He was not a large man, the Bike Thief, roughly my same height (5’ 10”) but significantly stouter and 30 lbs heavier. He looked fairly seasoned and his silence throughout the episode was unnerving. “Boy”
I thought, “I wouldn’t want to run into him in an alley.”

Finally, the Bike Thief reached into his coat pocket and took a step towards me.

“TAKE YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR POCKET AND DON’T COME ANY CLOSER!!” I shouted, anger edging into my voice.

He paused, but reached further into his pocket.

“TAKE YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR F*CKING POCKET!!!” I screamed.

Well kids, it’s late and that’s all the time we have. Tune in next week for THE BIKE THIEF Chapter 2: The Bike Thief Strikes Back. Who knows? I very well may be killed.

UPDATE: http://www.thechainlink.org/forum/topics/the-bike-thief-chapter-2-the

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Michael Perz on May 6, 2010 at 5:41am

I'd wager that you are correct as far as the changes in types of locks and methods to defeat them are concerned.

Also, reading some of these threads has my inner pedant screaming, "D-lock! D-lock!"

H3N3 said:

In the 5 years I've been more closely tracking this word has slowly gotten out that cable locks are next to useless, and now you rarely see a decent bike that's not U-locked. 5 years ago you'd look at a rack and see about 50/50.
I think it's kind of obvious that this is the reason we're seeing more U-lock thefts. Being able to defeat a U-lock is simply becoming more necessary for bike thiefs.

Another (less likely) explanation is that this "explosion" is being perpetrated by only one or two very busy thieves.

Michael Perz said:
What I find puzzling is that cordless angle grinders have been around for well over a decade (I think Makita may have been the first manufacturer, if I recall correctly), yet this is the first I'm hearing about them being so popular among bike thieves. Perhaps it can be attributed to the "hiding in plain sight" principle? That might explain why so many people passed by the thief without giving a second glance. They might have thought that anyone grinding away at a lock in broad daylight, loudly and with a plume of sparks flying couldn't possibly be doing anything wrong.

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Permalink Reply by Shay on May 6, 2010 at 10:52am

Yes. And when they hit each other, they make a loud noise.

notoriousDUG said:

So you are saying TC's balls are large but flat?

Ouch.

Shay said:
You must have balls the size of cymbals to confront the guy. I commend you.

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Permalink Reply by Laura on May 6, 2010 at 11:12am

I know the end of this story but I'm still anxiously awaiting the next installment.
I feel like we should all be sitting around in a circle listening to the wise old man tell us a story.

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Permalink Reply by Anne Alt on May 6, 2010 at 11:31am

I agree. Another example - increased garage burglaries in my neighborhood where snowblowers, lawnmowers and other power tools are stolen (and occasionally bikes) - the type of stuff you commonly see at the flea markets that have generated some recent discussion as places to find stolen goods.

H3N3 said:

Sorry, I think we are seeing a rise in crime "among the poor and destitute", at least in part due to the economy.

Michael Perz said:
Correlation, not causation. A few years back, when the economy just barely began sneezing and sniffling, people began noticing a spike in bank robberies. While many speculated that these were indicative of an impending rise in criminal activity among the poor and destitute, it was eventually concluded that the rise in occurrences was tied to there being more banking facilities than ever before. The number of criminals hadn't necessarily increased; the number of convenient targets did.

M.A.R.K. said:
(let's not mention economy)

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Permalink Reply by Anne Alt on May 6, 2010 at 11:31am

Well told.

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Permalink Reply by Spencer "Thunderball" Thayer! on May 6, 2010 at 6:45pm

This Pulitzer material here.

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Permalink Reply by Glenn on May 6, 2010 at 7:49pm

AW MAN! I feel like I have been left dangling off a cliff!

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Permalink Reply by mattbikes1 on May 6, 2010 at 8:55pm

The thing that really bothers me, is that with the type of stuff getting stolen it has to be bike-knowledgeable folks that are doing predominantly most of the thieving. This is what makes me sick! Bikers are stealing from bikers. This is to me, paramount to treason!

On the other hand, this particular subject surely makes for some great fiction. I can hardly wait for the second part!

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Permalink Reply by T.C. O'Rourke on May 8, 2010 at 5:43am

Thanks to all with kind words.

My testicles do not make noise when banged together, but I do. Regardless, please post your comments about them to the thread dedicated to that subject: http://www.thechainlink.org/forum/topics/the-futility-of-critical-mass

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Permalink Reply by Kevin C Dormant on May 10, 2010 at 8:42am

2001: A Space Odyssey?

H3N3 said:

Remonds me of the scene in Planet of the Apes when they're all freaked out because an Ape has killed another Ape for the first time.

mattbikes1 said:
The thing that really bothers me, is that with the type of stuff getting stolen it has to be bike-knowledgeable folks that are doing predominantly most of the thieving. This is what makes me sick! Bikers are stealing from bikers. This is to me, paramount to treason!

On the other hand, this particular subject surely makes for some great fiction. I can hardly wait for the second part!