It's roommate time again...

Once again here I am in need of a roommate…


 


Available for immediate occupancy one bedroom in a spacious and completely undecorated apartment with tons of windows (although 3 of them now have an unobstructed view of a hideous cinder block  condo inhabited by gentrifuckers) and good
natural light located near California and Armitage in scenic and trendy Logan
Square apartment featuring sweet built ins and tons of old timey ‘ambiance.’   Mind
you this just means it has just never been remodeled and is a little rough
around the edges but I enjoy places with a certain patina…   Building is management company owned and has
always been well maintained; if it breaks they fix it quickly.  Rent is 500/mo including all utilities and
wireless internet and I would like some form of security deposit unless I know
you, and where your loved one live, already or you are willing to sign your
soul over to me.


 


I am 34, male, so awesome that sometimes it actually causes me pain and overall pretty easy to live with.  You will also have to share space with my morbidly obese cat and his chronically
ill life partner; I like them more then I like most people so you best give
them mad respect, yo.   I like bikes and
there are quite a few of them in the apartment so you liking bikes as well would
not be a bad thing as you will have to tolerate that.  There is also ample locking storage in the
basement if you need more space to store bikes, dead hookers or whatever the
hell it is you’re into.


 


Beyond your ability to pay rent, clean up after yourself and otherwise be a civil roommate I give no fucks how old, what gender you are, what gender you prefer or what you do for a living. 
 Pets are fine as long as they get along with my cats and you take care
of them.  I am a non-smoker and would
prefer you limit smoking to outside or your room unless really drunk or there
is some form of sweet party where you are providing me with free liquor
happening. 


 


Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right?  Goddamn right it is Bubba; but there are some restrictions…


 


See, I have lived with some shitty ass roommates in my day and I am just not willing to put up with it anymore.  Yeah, I could move but I love this apartment and its location so I am kinda stuck here. 
  I can afford this place on my own
but it seriously cuts into my budget for alcohol and stupid shenanigans so I
would prefer to split the rent.  Because
I do not require a roommate I am in the position to be a little picky so you
will need to comply with or be aware of the following:


 


-I drink a lot and would prefer you be a drinker as well.  I have nothing against teetotalers but whose nights I come home, fall up the stairs blind drunk and pas out on the
floor I really don’t need all the judgmental glaring; and I sure as hell don’t need
it the next morning when I feel like God shat in my mouth and put demons in my
head.


 


-There is to be no naked apartment lounging or walking.  You have your very own room with a door that latches securely if you want to have nakey time and maybe I am a bit of a prude but I don’t want your ‘junk’ all up on my couch or pillows or nuthin’ .  This rule applies regardless of gender and
degree of attractiveness.


 


-No masturbating in the common areas of the apartment even if mostly clothed and you are REALLY sure I’m not there or won’t be home for hours.  Seriously, I have wireless internet, do that shit in your room I do not need your ‘love stains’ on my stuff. 


 


-Please have not only good personal hygiene but have good manners and be hygienic about your good hygiene; we all have to keep ourselves well groomed but that is no excuse for me to have to see your pubes anywhere.


 


-Do not use my toiletries.  I will piss in your shampoo.


 


-I do not smoke weed but am tolerant of it.  I am actually pretty tolerant of any kind of personal inebriation choice but ask that you keep it at a reasonable level.  If I have to deal with you in the midst of some kind of ‘Scarface’ style psychotic break I am just going to throw you off
the porch and tell the cops you where all high and jumped.  They will totally believe me, cops hate
junkies!


 


-I eat meat, a lot of meat.  I am 100% OK with you not eating meat and will respect fridge space, utensils and cookware if that is important to you because I am a tolerant and
respectful person.  However, if you cannot
return the respect and tolerance or preach (actually I will tolerate *some*
preaching if you make me really tasty food from time to time…) at me about the
amount of bacon I eat I will cease my tolerance and respect and rub bacon fat
on everything you own.  Seriously, let me
live my life and I will let you live yours.


 


-I am not a clean freak but I also like things to be kinda neat and clean and expect you, as an adult, to help keep things fairly neat and clean without me nagging or the aid of some kind of ‘chore schedule.’   If you cannot pick up after yourself I will
take to depositing your messes into your bed. 
 Food left out and dishes in the sink for days annoy me.  If you are a total clean freak I am OK with
that but please be aware I will not sit around, huff glade and polish door
knobs or whatever it is you people do.


 


-I go out of town for work at times and I like to come home to somewhere that looks, mostly, like it did when I left so if you need another person there to shame you into picking up your underwear and otherwise keeping
stuff up this is not the living arrangement for you.  It would also be nice, but is not required,
if you were willing to look after the cats when I am away.


 


It also helps if you have a good sense of humor and a sense of adventure.


 


Cheers!

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tank-Ridin' Ryan on June 15, 2010 at 3:02pm
Howler monkey sex is allowed again, eh? What was wrong - was it too quiet around the place?

notoriousDUG said:
Yes, the dead hookers must be stored in the basement but that storage is a new perk as before they had to be kept off site.

Also note that the 'no howler monkey sex' rule has been repealed.

BK said:
Indeed, dead hookers are allowed, but there is a clearly stated protocol for proper disposal/storage. That DUG...such a stickler for rules...

Aaron Bussey said:
allowed or loud?

Lee Diamond said:
Dead hookers are aloud. There is in fact storage for them. That is a perk, or benefit as it were.

A wonder this isn't on the MLS.

BK said:
So which rule did your last roommate break? My money is on the dead hooker clause.
Permalink Reply by heather s on June 15, 2010 at 3:03pm
I am sad and grossed out to report that I've had many roommates in my life who violated the pube rule. Some people are just completely oblivious to the fact that they have, for instance, left their pubes on the hand soap.

Sorry that finding a decent roommate has been so shitty for you, Doug. :(

Vando said:
Forget about the masturbation rule, who broke the pube rule? I can't imagine the list of terrible roommates that brought about the need to specify all of these things that should be common sense otherwise!
Permalink Reply by Doug Haynes on June 15, 2010 at 3:11pm
I felt it was wrong to limit others fun due to my own lack of fun.

Tank-Ridin' Ryan said:
Howler monkey sex is allowed again, eh? What was wrong - was it too quiet around the place?

notoriousDUG said:
Yes, the dead hookers must be stored in the basement but that storage is a new perk as before they had to be kept off site.

Also note that the 'no howler monkey sex' rule has been repealed.

BK said:
Indeed, dead hookers are allowed, but there is a clearly stated protocol for proper disposal/storage. That DUG...such a stickler for rules...

Aaron Bussey said:
allowed or loud?

Lee Diamond said:
Dead hookers are aloud. There is in fact storage for them. That is a perk, or benefit as it were.

A wonder this isn't on the MLS.

BK said:
So which rule did your last roommate break? My money is on the dead hooker clause.
Permalink Reply by Doug Haynes on June 15, 2010 at 3:13pm
It is amazing how oblivious people are to some stuff. The first time I just told myself it was body hair, the second time it was a lady roommate so I just had to suck it up and try to ignore them.

On the positive front it looks like this issue may be solved.



heather stratton said:
I am sad and grossed out to report that I've had many roommates in my life who violated the pube rule. Some people are just completely oblivious to the fact that they have, for instance, left their pubes on the hand soap.

Sorry that finding a decent roommate has been so shitty for you, Doug. :(

Vando said:
Forget about the masturbation rule, who broke the pube rule? I can't imagine the list of terrible roommates that brought about the need to specify all of these things that should be common sense otherwise!
Permalink Reply by Kevin C Dormant on June 15, 2010 at 5:04pm
Maybe you need to get the new roommate a house warming gift.

notoriousDUG said:
It is amazing how oblivious people are to some stuff. The first time I just told myself it was body hair, the second time it was a lady roommate so I just had to suck it up and try to ignore them.
On the positive front it looks like this issue may be solved.


heather stratton said:
I am sad and grossed out to report that I've had many roommates in my life who violated the pube rule. Some people are just completely oblivious to the fact that they have, for instance, left their pubes on the hand soap.

Sorry that finding a decent roommate has been so shitty for you, Doug. :( Vando said:
Forget about the masturbation rule, who broke the pube rule? I can't imagine the list of terrible roommates that brought about the need to specify all of these things that should be common sense otherwise!
Permalink Reply by Curt H Moore on June 16, 2010 at 1:05am
hair remover and liquid soap

Kevin Conway said:
Maybe you need to get the new roommate a house warming gift.

notoriousDUG said:
It is amazing how oblivious people are to some stuff. The first time I just told myself it was body hair, the second time it was a lady roommate so I just had to suck it up and try to ignore them.
On the positive front it looks like this issue may be solved.


heather stratton said:
I am sad and grossed out to report that I've had many roommates in my life who violated the pube rule. Some people are just completely oblivious to the fact that they have, for instance, left their pubes on the hand soap.

Sorry that finding a decent roommate has been so shitty for you, Doug. :( Vando said:
Forget about the masturbation rule, who broke the pube rule? I can't imagine the list of terrible roommates that brought about the need to specify all of these things that should be common sense otherwise!
Permalink Reply by Davo on June 16, 2010 at 5:30am
Been there brother

notoriousDUG said:
The last roommate broke the rent paying rule when he messed up and ended up overdrawn and his bank charged him tons of money. He recently skipped town owing me two months rent because I was nice and let him stay assuming he would figure it out... not so much apparently, which is a huge bummer because he was an excellent roommate in almost every other direction other then the most important one.
Permalink Reply by cherry dana on June 16, 2010 at 8:45am
i totally agree, doug. this rocks.

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