Once again here I am in need of a roommate…

Available for immediate occupancy one bedroom in a spacious and completely undecorated apartment with tons of windows (although 3 of them now have an unobstructed view of a hideous cinder block  condo inhabited by gentrifuckers) and good
natural light located near California and Armitage in scenic and trendy Logan
Square apartment featuring sweet built ins and tons of old timey ‘ambiance.’   Mind
you this just means it has just never been remodeled and is a little rough
around the edges but I enjoy places with a certain patina…   Building is management company owned and has
always been well maintained; if it breaks they fix it quickly.  Rent is 500/mo including all utilities and
wireless internet and I would like some form of security deposit unless I know
you, and where your loved one live, already or you are willing to sign your
soul over to me.

I am 34, male, so awesome that sometimes it actually causes me pain and overall pretty easy to live with.  You will also have to share space with my morbidly obese cat and his chronically
ill life partner; I like them more then I like most people so you best give
them mad respect, yo.   I like bikes and
there are quite a few of them in the apartment so you liking bikes as well would
not be a bad thing as you will have to tolerate that.  There is also ample locking storage in the
basement if you need more space to store bikes, dead hookers or whatever the
hell it is you’re into.

Beyond your ability to pay rent, clean up after yourself and otherwise be a civil roommate I give no fucks how old, what gender you are, what gender you prefer or what you do for a living. 
Pets are fine as long as they get along with my cats and you take care
of them.  I am a non-smoker and would
prefer you limit smoking to outside or your room unless really drunk or there
is some form of sweet party where you are providing me with free liquor
happening. 

Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, right?  Goddamn right it is Bubba; but there are some restrictions…

See, I have lived with some shitty ass roommates in my day and I am just not willing to put up with it anymore.  Yeah, I could move but I love this apartment and its location so I am kinda stuck here. 
 I can afford this place on my own
but it seriously cuts into my budget for alcohol and stupid shenanigans so I
would prefer to split the rent.  Because
I do not require a roommate I am in the position to be a little picky so you
will need to comply with or be aware of the following:

-I drink a lot and would prefer you be a drinker as well.  I have nothing against teetotalers but whose nights I come home, fall up the stairs blind drunk and pas out on the
floor I really don’t need all the judgmental glaring; and I sure as hell don’t need
it the next morning when I feel like God shat in my mouth and put demons in my
head.

-There is to be no naked apartment lounging or walking.  You have your very own room with a door that latches securely if you want to have nakey time and maybe I am a bit of a prude but I don’t want your ‘junk’ all up on my couch or pillows or nuthin’ .  This rule applies regardless of gender and
degree of attractiveness.

-No masturbating in the common areas of the apartment even if mostly clothed and you are REALLY sure I’m not there or won’t be home for hours.  Seriously, I have wireless internet, do that shit in your room I do not need your ‘love stains’ on my stuff. 

-Please have not only good personal hygiene but have good manners and be hygienic about your good hygiene; we all have to keep ourselves well groomed but that is no excuse for me to have to see your pubes anywhere.

-Do not use my toiletries.  I will piss in your shampoo.

-I do not smoke weed but am tolerant of it.  I am actually pretty tolerant of any kind of personal inebriation choice but ask that you keep it at a reasonable level.  If I have to deal with you in the midst of some kind of ‘Scarface’ style psychotic break I am just going to throw you off
the porch and tell the cops you where all high and jumped.  They will totally believe me, cops hate
junkies!

-I eat meat, a lot of meat.  I am 100% OK with you not eating meat and will respect fridge space, utensils and cookware if that is important to you because I am a tolerant and
respectful person.  However, if you cannot
return the respect and tolerance or preach (actually I will tolerate *some*
preaching if you make me really tasty food from time to time…) at me about the
amount of bacon I eat I will cease my tolerance and respect and rub bacon fat
on everything you own.  Seriously, let me
live my life and I will let you live yours.

-I am not a clean freak but I also like things to be kinda neat and clean and expect you, as an adult, to help keep things fairly neat and clean without me nagging or the aid of some kind of ‘chore schedule.’   If you cannot pick up after yourself I will
take to depositing your messes into your bed. 
Food left out and dishes in the sink for days annoy me.  If you are a total clean freak I am OK with
that but please be aware I will not sit around, huff glade and polish door
knobs or whatever it is you people do.

-I go out of town for work at times and I like to come home to somewhere that looks, mostly, like it did when I left so if you need another person there to shame you into picking up your underwear and otherwise keeping
stuff up this is not the living arrangement for you.  It would also be nice, but is not required,
if you were willing to look after the cats when I am away.

It also helps if you have a good sense of humor and a sense of adventure.

Cheers!