Shaking off the Shackles; becoming Babymaker to the World

Let’s admit it: We’re in a fix, and will remain so for the foreseeable future even if the Republican dream of dismantling government comes true. It likely will take years to undo the immense harm done to the American economy caused by oppressive laws such as those that restrict child labor, require workplace safety, and ban dumping of chemical waste into rivers and lakes.

Those laws have put the reins on our economy, making it impossible for U.S. corporations to compete with the likes of a China, a Burma, and a Mozambique.

The good news, of course, is that we are rapidly moving to eliminate the shackles that enslave American corporations and eviscerate their ability to compete. Once the Republicans take back the presidency in 2014, nothing will be in the way of our nation becoming the great bastion of freedom it was 100 years ago when a meat processor didn’t have to deal with the time-consuming, unpleasant, wasteful -- and, yes, expensive -- task of cleaning out the vat and starting over again after its worker fell into the meat grinder and became edible.

The bad news is that even after our society throws off the regulatory chains that have led to our undoing, it will predictably take time for our values to change. Consumers will need to be trained not to worry about what’s in their hamburger. True realization that it does not matter what chemicals permeate our genetically engineered salmon can only come with patient and tenacious education, and that will not be achieved overnight.

Meanwhile, we can still reach greatness. The secret is getting rid of that ultimate destroyer of national and family values: birth control.

Think of it. If the baby-making role of our American women can be restored, our nation will be blessed with an abundance of infants unwanted by their mothers. Those infants are not worthless. They will have a value somewhere. The free market will be our guide.

Not only can their names be sold to the highest bidder, we can market the babies abroad. With the proper advertising campaign, we will be able to sell the infants in third-world nations whose citizens will be eager for the prestige of having their own American-bred baby in the family.

The babies will grow up, and, properly trained, will become obedient servants. Their value will be great indeed, and we will be able to cash in on that value now while our nation learns to change its ways so that it can better compete.

By becoming Babymaker to the World, our nation can find strength and economic security during that period when our social values must adjust to the imperatives of competition and the needs and desires of our great corporations.

We must learn that true family values require hawkish attention to the bottom line. We will all thrive only if the chains that enslave our corporate citizens are thrown off so that the richest among us will get richer and the wealth will be free to trickle down.

William Lazarus, www.lazaruslegal.com, is an attorney and sometimes playful writer who practices law and lives in Flossmoor.