Due to the fact that my roommate is a douchebag vandal and my preference to not live with shitidiots I will be in need of a roommate as of Dec. 1st.

Charming 3rd floor 2 bedroom round about California and Armitage, old but well maintained is mostly clean with reasonable landlord and decent neighbors. Has large backyard populated by several friendly cats and a giant raccoon named Philbert who is disturbingly not afraid of people; I will give you a dollar if you pet him.

Rent is 500/mo including utilities and wireless internets but if you want the cable you have to go get that shit on your own although when you are not around I will steal it from you to watch the shit out of some cartoons. I would like a $400 security deposit to ensure you are not a dead beat.

I am male, 34, responsible and fairly close to mentally stable. I really don't care what you are beyond stable enough to not kill me, my cats in our sleep, courteous enough to store your dead hookers off-site and responsible enough to pay me my money on time.

Most be bale to tolerate my morbidly obese cat and his chronically ill French life partner; I like them more then most people and I expect them to be treated properly. I am not averse to more cats if you have one but they would have to interview with Fatty and Frenchy.

Prefer non-smokers and dislike smoking in the apartment itself and would expect you to have your hooligan friends smoke outside like my hooligan friends do.

I drink heavily and often and while usually well behaved and tidy about it there is always the chance of finding me in some form of ball on the floor of the bathroom.

I keep odd and unpredictable work hours so am often home at unexpected times so I would prefer you not be a naked house walker or couch masturbator. This applies to applicants of all genders and levels of attractiveness, seriously that shit would just make things awkward.

Your personal habits are your business but please no massive drug problems please. If I have to deal with you having some form of psychotic break after spending 14 hours in your room doing mountains of cocaine I will have no choice but to throw you out the window and tell the police it was suicide. They will totally be on my side; cops hate junkies.

I am clean but not freakishly so and would like the same. I'm pretty simple there; pick up after yourself in the common areas, no dishes sitting for days and shit like that. How you live in your room is up to you but if it starts to smell we'll have to have a talk. However, if you want to keep the place spotless and sanitized I'm not exactly going to complain but don't expect me to join you in your adventures in dusting blinds, huffing Glade, polishing door knobs or what the fuck ever it is you clean freaks do for a good time.

Must be willing to limit the really freaky loud howler monkey knock shit off the shelves violent animal like sex shit to times when I am not around; I don't need to hear that shit.

Must purchase paper products for apartment; I feel free electricity and heat are worth some paper towels and ass-wipes.

Must have good sense of humor.

Cheers!