Reuters, for immediate release:

SEC analyst solves riddle of the universe while browsing porn sites.

In an unprecedented, interagency collaboration between the SEC, NASA,
and the NSA, the long sought answer to the riddle of the missing
matter in the universe has been solved. Government officials were
almost giddy when the announcement was made this afternoon. "The data
is still coming in, but we are 95% certain at this point that we have
cracked one of the most important mysteries of our time," said Farrah
Snowstorm, public relations officer for NASA.

An SEC forensic statistician, who has since been dismissed and remains
anonymous due to the sensitive manner in which the solution was found,
made the discovery while browsing through a search list of porn sites
when an unrelated article about deep space penetration probes piqued
his curiosity. He decided to take a closer look and found a high
correlation between the amplitude of the universal spectral red shift
and the growth of the illicit returns reported by Bernie Madoff's
hedge funds that he was investigating at the time. "The correlation
was uncanny. I just had to show it to my boss, after I removed the
incriminating links from my browser history," the analyst said.

Further analysis by the supercomputers at the NSA and NASA confirmed
the correlation and provided the basis for the conclusion that the
missing matter was, in fact, squirreled away in numerous bank accounts
run by Madoff himself and the Ponzi schemes hatched under his
direction. "It will probably take years to repatriate these assets to
their rightful owners," said Carlton Heizenfuscator, administrator of
the NASA deep space study project, "but we hope to restore the balance
of the universe within a decade or so, assuming, of course, that
present funding levels for our program continues."

Physicists worldwide have expressed glee that one more mystery of the
universe has been solved. Political pundits were unimpressed, however,
noting the inability of government organizations to work together
effectively. "In these times of partisanship, turf wars and
bureaucratic foot dragging typical of big government, how can we
expect large federal agencies to work together and get anything of
this magnitude accomplished?," asked Lambrose Poindexter, political
editor of the Wall Street Journal. "Coming up with a plan to balance
the budget would probably be easier," he said.

Anyone who can substantiate missing assets, sudden weight loss or
can't find their car keys, may file a claim with the SEC. Claim forms
may be downloaded from the SEC web site. All submissions must be filed
in triplicate, notarized and mailed along with a self addressed
stamped envelope to the address found on the SEC web site.

Best wishes for the holidays!

Copyright 2014, Joe Guzzardo, all rights reservered