Liar's Ride

Details

Time: April 1, 2012 from 6pm to 7pm
Location: Ciclo Urbano
Street: 2459 W Division St
City/Town: Chicago, IL
Website or Map: http://maps.google.com/maps?q…
Phone: 773-255-6347
Event Type: lies
Organized By: Lee Diamond
Latest Activity: Apr 2, 2012

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Description

Celebrating our 100th annual Liar's Ride.

The rules are different this time around. In case you have been on any of the previous 99 annual Liar’s Rides, please review the new ground rules for this ride. Namely:

The ride is 1,000 miles and will take approximately 3 hours.

All riders must obey the speed limit.

All riders must ride a unicycle.

All riders must ride their unicycle backwards.

All riders must ride their unicycle both backwards and upside down while pedaling with their hands.

Riders that cannot pedal with their hands may instead use their tongues.

If a rider can pedal with their hands but prefers to pedal with their tongue, they must instead pedal with their nose.

All riders must ride clipped in.

There will be no stopping or resting on the ride.

All riders must stop at all stop signs and red lights.

Since all riders will be pedaling with their hands, tongues or nose, all riders must communicate in foot sign language.

All riders must communicate in foot sign language in German.

If any riders speak German, they must communicate in foot sign language in Portuguese.

If any riders speak German and Portuguese, they will be shot from a military-grade extra-large slingshot directly into the eastern-most Paseo Boricua Gateway Flag.

There is no speaking on the ride.

All riders must hold their breath for the duration of the ride.

There is no passing out.

Entry fee is one platinum bar.

Attendance is mandatory.

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Comment by Andrew Bedno on April 2, 2012 at 7:40am: Rough plot of the 6000 mile ride is here. I had my GPS off through Canada, so it only registered the local 8.8 miles. Plus the last leg my lil' posse did to Liar's Club on Fullerton where the ride properly should've wrapped. There's also a few photos here.

PS. Loved it loved it loved it. Thanx dear cycling pals.

Now, to post an event listing for the weekly Kathy Schubert helmetless brakeless lightless extreme alley schnauzer race sponsored by Marlboro.

Comment by Lee Daimond, B. S. Reality on April 1, 2012 at 9:57am: FAQs

Q. Sometimes when I've ridden in large groups, the riders scare me and intimidate me and make me feel like I don't belong. What can I do to feel like I belong.

A. There are a few things that will help you fit in.

1. Wear Lederhoesen, and roll up your right pant leg to above your knee.

2. Don't use any lights on your bike - They annoy other riders and the drivers of cars.

3. Don't signal or notify other riders of "right", "Left", "Slowing", or "Stopping". It makes other riders lazy and aggressive drivers just use this information against you.

4. Ride behind the Sweep Rider. It's like being the cool kid who sits behind the last row in class.

5. Take chances and challenge Drivers. They have insurance that will pay for your medical bills and funeral. Saddling your family with these expenses is selfish, and you don't have sufficient insurance for extended hospital stays physical therapy, prosthetics, and reconstructive surgery.

6. Don't worry that your bike pants make your ass look big. Not riding in winter did that.

7. Don't worry that you haven't tuned up or maintained your bike. April surprises all of us every year and the best place to test your brakes is on Milwaukee Avenue at dusk. The Ride Leader has nothing better to do than rebuild your derailler at the first stop.

8. Bring a snack of Chili dog and steamed broccoli. This will encourage your fellow riders to stay next to or in front of you, keeping the ride social.

9.You don't need a bike bottle. I recommend glass bottles of iced tea available at every 7-eleven in the city, and we don't mind stopping as often as you'd like.

10. It is inappropriate to stop the ride to urinate in the alley. Please do not stop when you need to urinate just drop back and be cool. No one will notice if you keep riding while relieving yourself. All of the top athletes do this.

Comment by Lee Daimond, B. S. Reality on April 1, 2012 at 6:12am: FAQ
Q. Will any dignitaries be on this ride?
A. Yes. Mitt Romney has said he will and will not be riding with us. He then said he did not RSVP. Ron Paul will be leading an alternative group of unicorn riders through Obama's front and back yards and Rick Santorum will be riding a tandem with a front seat reserved for Jesus. Don't worry, though. Rick has assured us he doesn't need to see, steer, or think because he always goes straight and has faith that he's right.
Also, Patti and Hairbrush Blagojevich are expected and the rumor is that she's lonely and looking for a threesome.

Comment by Lee Daimond, B. S. Reality on April 1, 2012 at 5:27am: FAQs

Q. Can you translate where you are meeting?

A. Sure. Urban Cycle, Dos Quattro Cinco Nueve Oeste División.

Comment by Lee Daimond, B. S. Reality on April 1, 2012 at 5:20am: FAQs

Q. Can I drink on the ride?

A. Yes, Please remember to stay hydrated.

Q. I mean Alcohol

A. No.

Q. Really?

A. Yeah, really. But immediately after the ride, bottles of Hazard's Malort with Electrolytes will be available from the Ride's Sweep person.

Comment by Lee Daimond, B. S. Reality on April 1, 2012 at 5:17am: FAQs

Q. What if it is cold, dark and rainy? Can I ride in those conditions?

A. Free matte black hooded riding ponchos will be available. This should weed out the dumb and weak ones.

Comment by Lee Daimond, B. S. Reality on April 1, 2012 at 5:14am: Q. I am concerned that this is just some ploy to try to sell me a house. Is this just a marketing strategy for you?

A. No. In my 100 years in the cycling community, I have been able to categorize cyclists into three distinct types

1.Poor students with no money and significant debt.

2.Poor teachers, librarians and other liberals whose debt far exceeds their earning potential and can never afford a house which would yield enough of a commission to make it worth my while to show them.

3. The lucky 5% who have a reasonable income and no debt. These people own $60,000-80,000 worth of Italian and English bikes, and have no remaining disposable income. And they're f'ing suburbanites who drive their SUVs into the city to ride these bikes while lamenting that they cannot lock them anywhere.

Comment by Lee Daimond, B. S. Reality on April 1, 2012 at 5:08am: There have been a lot of questions directly communicated to me that I will try to answer throughout the day.

FAQs

Q. I have a very unusual shaped head and some features that make it tough to find a helmet. Can I make a helmet for myself?

A. Of course, as long as it is Snell approved

Q. I don't speak English, will an interpreter be available to me on the ride?

A. This is a silent ride. The Ride Leader will communicate by drawing stick figures and hieroglyphics on an Etch-a-Sketch and holding it up very high.

Q. Will hunting be permitted on this ride?

A. No. But anything you inadvertantly kill, you must eat and then fashion a bike jersey from the skin/coat/fur/feathers.

Q. Will there be a SAG vehicle?

A. Yes, of course. The Oscar Mayer Corporation has agreed to let us use a WeinerMobile for Support and Gear.

Q. Will it be clearly marked as our SAG vehicle?

A. No. But it is likely the only WeinerMobile you will see trailing us.

Q. Do you just like saying "WeinerMobile"?

A. Yes, WeinerMobile WeinerMobile WeinerMobile,

Q. What if the WeinerMobile doesn't have everything I need?

A. The Ride Leader always carries duct tape, zip ties and personal lubricant. He can fix anything bike-related with these supplies

Q. Is Sarah Palin going to be on this ride.

A. She has not declined, so it is likely.

Q. Will there be Alaska Wildlife Officers on this ride?

A. Are you a Moose?

Q. ...