500th Anniversary of the Liar’s Ride

Details

Time: April 1, 2013 from 6pm to 10pm
Location: In front of West Town Bikes/Ciclo Urbano
Street: 2459 W Division St
City/Town: Chicago
Website or Map: http://goo.gl/maps/5bEH6
Phone: 773-255-6347
Event Type: lying, balderdash, bs
Organized By: Lee Diamond
Latest Activity: Apr 12, 2013

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Description

The rules have been tweaked this year and are as follows:

- The ride is free, however if any rider should misuse the word “literally” within earshot of the tour leader, the fee becomes $100,000,000.

- All riders must wear a helmet as usual, but new for this year we are also requiring a protective layer of waxed-canvas bubble wrap over all areas of the body. Management recommends the strategic placement of holes for purposes of breathing, hearing and seeing, but that’s up to you. We are all about freedom of choice on that topic.

- Not on helmets though.

- The ride will be simulcast in Flemish on WBBM. All of the living relatives of each rider will be required to listen to that broadcast. For those not located in the Chicago area, the broadcast can be streamed online. In all cases, a 1,000-word essay in Portuguese summarizing the various stops of the ride will be required of each living relative within 8 hours of the completion of the ride. Submission instructions will be issued at the ride.

- All riders are sworn to complete secrecy of all places visited, histories revealed, routes traveled, individuals in attendance, or not in attendance, topics discussed or information dispersed on the ride, and at all points before or after the ride. It is recommended that all riders cease all further communication with all others indefinitely following the ride to ensure their compliance on this matter.

- All carbon fiber bicycles will be replaced with bicycles made of pretzel rods. Those things are delicious.

- Unsafe fixed-gear conversions are strongly encouraged.

- As with all rides throughout history, riders will hold their breath when passing a cemetery. When extracted to enough distance, it turns out that you are always passing a cemetery; consequently we will have no breathing on the ride.

- Remember in the great cycling movie Breaking Away how in the Little 500 bike race, you aren’t allowed to use cages or clip into your pedals, BUT you are allowed to be taped onto your pedals, but can’t stop until the end as a result? Same deal here.

- People that post ride graphs from their Garmin for this ride will be interfaced directly with their device.

- We have noticed how an increasing number of business owners have begun expressing their political views in very public ways, regardless of the effect on their business, and in a way that seems to ensure continued political polarization in a country nearly hopelessly at odds with itself. To that end, this ride will only contain left turns.

- All tires must be inflated to 98.5 PSI exactly. This is regardless of whether this is the correct tire pressure for your tire or would even be possible.

- No riders may use any lubricants, pastes or greases on their bicycles except for remaining bits of lip balm found on the side of the road.

- To ensure that we stay together as a group, all riders will be fitted with electronic collars. The transmitter will be in my helmet and as long as you stay within 100 feet of me, no worries. Got to keep things tidy.

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Comment by Tank-Ridin' Ryan on April 1, 2013 at 11:32am: Me? Attending? Haha, April Fools!

Comment by Lee Diamond on March 29, 2013 at 9:52am: Sorry....end point is determined already....Las Vegas.

Comment by Mike Zumwalt on March 29, 2013 at 7:05am: End point?

Comment by Lee Diamond on March 28, 2013 at 8:00am: Oprah Winfrey: Did you ever take banned substances to enhance your cycling performance?

Lance Armstrong: "Yes."

OW: Was one of those banned substances EPO?

LA: "Yes."

OW: Did you ever blood dope or use blood transfusions to enhance your cycling performance?

LA: "Yes."

OW: Did you ever use any other banned substances such as testosterone, cortisone or Human Growth Hormone?

LA: "Yes."

OW: In all seven of your Tour de France victories, did you ever take banned substances or blood dope?

LA: "Yes."

OW: Did you ever take place in the annual event known as the "Liar's Ride"?

LA: NO! I may have doped, cheated and bullied my way throughout life, but I would NEVER do that. NEVER NEVER NEVER!

Comment by Lee Diamond on March 25, 2013 at 5:50am: Many speculate....was it early male pattern baldness? Did he shave it for looks?.....Truth is my baldness was the result of the stress. I lost my hair overnight after completing one of those damned Liar's Rides.

- Marco Pantani, 1992

Comment by Lee Diamond on March 22, 2013 at 8:10am: Mike,

I recall a recent court decision regarding a number of deputies who were fired after "liking" a candidate for sheriff who opposed their boss in an election. They sued on the grounds that they believed their "liking" was an act of speech and that they had the right to free speech, but the court ruled against them. The court ruled that the act of "liking" something on Facebook was not constitutionally protected free speech.

As such, I think we can conclude that you ought to delete your Facebook account immediately following the ride and consider the thought of, act of or plans for any and all communication, be it verbal, written, electronic, telepathic or otherwise should likewise be avoided.

Comment by Mike Zumwalt on March 22, 2013 at 7:05am: -" All riders are sworn to complete secrecy of all places visited, histories revealed, routes traveled, individuals in attendance, or not in attendance, topics discussed or information dispersed on the ride, and at all points before or after the ride. It is recommended that all riders cease all further communication with all others indefinitely following the ride to ensure their compliance on this matter."

How does this cover the unintentional or intentional tagging on Facebook?

Comment by Lee Diamond on March 20, 2013 at 4:07pm: I can say with certainty that these tours represent the very best in cycling as we know it today.

- Pat McQuaid, 2013

Comment by Lee Diamond on March 18, 2013 at 4:14pm: Had I known what would be done with it during the Liar's Ride, I never would have invented the stupid thing.

- Baron Karl von Drais, 1820

Comment by Lee Diamond on March 17, 2013 at 3:12pm: If you want to know why the peloton was doped to the gills in that era.....ask Lee Diamond. It was all for the Liar's Ride. And it didn't even help.

- Tyler Hamilton, 2008