http://www.atlbanana.com/beltline-time-trial-cyclist-kills-four/

BELTLINE TIME TRIAL CYCLIST KILLS FOUR

ATLANTA, GA–Four people were killed and a further seven injured this weekend when struck by a cyclist speeding down the packed Beltline. The suspect, Chad Dustin Bradley, 35, chased down easily by Police when he took to surface streets, asked that officers check the digital speedometer attached to his bike before taking him to jail to see if he’d “broke [his] record.” Only the above blurry photo exists of the incident, but hours of cell phone camera footage have been sent in to Police.

Warm weather and a rare break in the rain resulted in ideal conditions to enjoy Atlanta’s recently completed section of the multi-use path known as the Beltline. But the trouble began when amateur cyclists, too old and too speedy for the sidewalk but too weak or too ignorant to join any one of the area’s many sanctioned races, took to the Beltline’s smooth concrete surface to test their legs.

“He just came outta nowhere,” said Biff Slarps, 27, father of twins Charity and Leslae, aged 2, both struck and killed. “He slammed into our family, knocking us all to the ground, then immediately jumped back on his bike, screaming ‘Strava! Strava! Strava!’ over and over. I don’t even know what that is.” Strava is a website athletes use to record and compare riding results, occasionally misused by the helplessly narcissistic as an excuse to be unsafe.

Three hundred yards down the path, an elderly gentleman, Richard “Dick” Washington, 86, was impaled on the suspect’s forward-facing time trial style handlebars. The suspect was again tossed from his bike, and again was heard to scream the word “Strava” repeatedly while kicking Washington’s lifeless body free of his handlebars and once more leaping aboard the bike and speeding away.

The final death, Edith Perdie, 81, was struck when moving to her left to avoid the speeding cyclist, not understanding that his snarls of “On your left!” meant he intended to pass her on her left, not that she should move to her left. Perdie survived the impact, but died of fright at the garishly dressed man’s appearance.

The suspect faces several counts of reckless endangerment, manslaughter, and second degree murder, and the District Attorney’s office expects a swift conviction thanks to helpful citizen videos and Beltline camera system security camera footage. As yet, he has expressed no remorse.

“I am pure energy,” said Bradley. “I am my bicycle and my bicycle is me. I must speed down the Beltline. It is my destiny to be speed. I am the wind.”

When reporters pressed Bradley, asking why he didn’t join a sanctioned race at Atlanta’s Dick Lane Velodrome, or any one of the myriad sanctioned road bike races in the area, Bradley said that he only felt fast when passing walking children. He was quickly shushed by counsel.